I, probably like many of you reading this, have subjected myself to the thing that is a torture chamber that goes under the name “Insanity.” Yes, I am actually talking about the workout. You are put through something so grueling and so difficult, you’re left in a heap of sweat on the ground wondering “What the hell just happened?” Well, what just happened was you got your ass kicked. Yet, the next day you’re putting on your sneakers to torture yourself again. Unfortunately, working out is good for you and the pain must be endured to accomplish anything. But that same type of love/hate relationship can be said for many other things other than working out.
We, as humans, have needs. We want things we can’t have. We want things that make us feel bad. Why is this? Because it makes us feel something. You may wake up feeling like shit in the morning after one too many margaritas, but at least you feel something, even if it is your throbbing headache. Feeling is what tells us that we are alive. It’s those couple hours of good times with friends and the heightened sense of being that tells us we need to keep doing it over and over again, even if there are consequences to pay. That is insanity. We do it over and over again to get the same result every time, even though we know we shouldn’t, there’s this hope that something good will come out of it that keeps us pushing through.
My real life experience with insanity was with a 7 year on/off relationship. It began like any other: he was completely smitten with me, loved being around me, brought me presents, help my hand, ect. A year later, he goes to college and I’m still stuck at home. Just like that: Boom. He changed. No more is the love-struck teenager. In his place was the hard-partying college kid, who didn’t want to be held down. The thing is: if he would’ve ended it there, with a “Julie, this isn’t working out. We’re done.” line, I would have been okay. Sure, I’d have been devestated, but eventually, I’d have been okay. I was only 18, you know. But that’s not what happened. Instead, I endured 6 years of tumoltuous ups and downs. He would break my heart every few months and tell me he wanted to be single. When he couldn’t find anyone else, he would come back to me, the safety net. I knew what he was doing, I knew it was wrong, but I was so terribly in love with him, I kept doing it over and over again.
Flashforward to 2014, I am completely messed-up relationship-wise for God knows how long. I fell into too much of a comfortable position with him, now I have no idea how to meet someone and actually set up the beginning stages of a relationship. My mind tells me that I shouldn’t speak to him anymore (I mean…look at what he’s done to me), yet I cannot help but respond back when my phone says his name. That is insanity.
Last week, I had an epiphany. My college experience was partly ruined due to myself. I don’t blame him for it because it was my own act of stupidity that allowed it to go on. We believe that people will change, we believe that he will come to his senses and ride off with us on a white horse, but that’s not the case. We, as women, NEED to stick up for ourselves and overcome the craziness. Overlook how you feel and remember what you NEED. There is no man worth the pain that you keep putting yourself through. It is time that we stop being the safety net and start being the fisherman. Have some damn respect for yourself. Because I never did.
And yes, it’s gonna be tough. But it NEEDS to be done. There is someone out there, somewhere, whose whole life will be dependent on you. That person is why you need to overcome the craziness. In the scheme of things, this is a blip on the horizon compared to the things you will do in your life.
Your happiness comes before all else. YOU matter. Your feelings matter. There will be another.
Yours in insanity,